and I’m feeling all of them at once.

This is one of the most amazing videos I've found in the internet so far. If you are anything like me and have ever experienced anxiety, you will agree that this video sums up perfectly how it feels like. It honestly gave me chills and I thought it would be powerful to share, specially for those who do not understand what people go through. I highlighted all the parts in which I felt deeply identified, which for me is a huge step, to learn how to put into words what i feel, even if those words are not my own jet. I hope you find it as powerful as I did. 

All the love,

Xx,

Sol

THE WORDS  

from the outside it’s easy to think that somebody has got it all figured out
because my hair is curled and my cheeks are intentionally flushed
I must not have a care in the world
as if it were expected from my demons to be worn like a scarlet letter pinned to my chest 
and they assume if you cannot see it, then it’s not really there
as if pain does not exist unless you’re bleeding or slung in a cast or staggering with a limp
but sometimes, 
the most painful demons 
are the ones they can’t even see
so we learn how to smile,
how to grin, and bear it
because, nobody likes to talk about the tough stuff
hell, I don’t like to talk about the tough stuff
I have anxiety
it feels like every cell in my body is moving so fast
that my veins are blurry
that despite the constant rhythm of my heart beat
inside my ears, it’s like listening to spastic drum line
it feels like bees in my ears
it’s like a broken white noise machine playing all of the sounds at once
and I don’t even realize
I’m grinding my teeth or cracking my knuckles or rubbing my forefinger against my pinky or twisting the gold band on my middle finger
holding onto myself
like i'm the only lifeline bridge in the gap between reality on my own two feet
and the atomic loud of bliss and noises and sounds and feelings of fleeting rushing through my veins
and I’m avoiding eye contact
not because I’m not listening to what you’re saying
but because I’m listening to the sound of my own voice
hoping that through your voice you can’t hear that it’s two octaves too high
and on the verge of breaking 
because my palms are sweaty, and I somehow forgot to speak with anything behind my words
other than insecurity
my anxiety feels like fire
unexplainably hot 
and rash 
and frustrating
as I gnaw the inside of my cheek as if a solution to this feeling is varied between my teeth and gums
it feels like drowning 
but it feels like burning 
and it feels like f*cking forever
I imagine my feet moving with trails of dust behind them like in those cartoons
because somehow I’m moving faster than the 60 seconds they’ve allowed in a minute 
all the while I’m just playing catch-up on the stopwatch
it doesn’t add up like it did in high school mathematics
I can’t carry the one and find the square root of the problem
because most of the time, 
there is not a problem
there is no life or death situation 
there is no rhyme or reason
there are just feelings

and I’m feeling all of them at once.

some days are better than others.
some days are worse.
but they’re just days
and I’ve got more where they came from.
- Meghan Rienks